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Argue Less
Q: My wife is my best
friend, but interestingly enough we fight a lot. It seems we are either getting along great or
we are bickering about one thing or another.
I don’t understand why we fight or even how it starts, but we both want
to argue less. What do you suggest?
A: The
good news is that you are both interested in making a change to improve your
relationship. It sounds like you are
also moving in the right direction in exploring why and how you fight.
The
following questions are designed to assist you in exploring your fight
patterns. I suggest you and you wife
answer these questions separately; then share your answers with each other.
Two key points:
1.
Gaining understanding – problem
resolution – is an integral part of a healthy marriage. The goal is to handle conflicts in a positive
way, not to eliminate disagreements; and
2.
When you and your wife share your
answers to the following questions, try to keep the mood one of exploring and
clarifying your fight patterns. Based on
the information you gather, you can each choose one area of change you want to
focus on first. Change takes place over
time, so be patient with each other.
The
reasons I fight are
(check three):
a.
To get my spouse’s attention and so
he/she will listen to me
b.
The pressure builds up from unresolved
issues
c.
We cannot agree
d.
I want something very much
e.
I have a quick temper
f.
My spouse starts it
g.
To clear the air
h.
Making up is so nice
i.
Other
The
worst thing about our fights is:
a.
Never finishing them
b.
Not resolving any issue
c.
Name-calling
d.
We both find it hard to apologize
e.
Bring up past problems
f.
They last too long
g.
They are too frequent
h.
I never feel like I win
i.
Other
When a fight is about to start, I would
like to (describe in detail)
What do you dislike most about yourself
or the way you feel when fighting?
What do you dislike most about your
spouse when you are fighting?
What are some of the good things your
fighting has accomplished?
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