Time and Expectations

 Q:  My wife doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore.  We’re both trying to make our relationship work because it’s the second marriage for each of us.  When we married two years ago, I thought we both wanted to travel and spend as much time together as possible.  I hardly ever see her.  She’s always working and seems to love it.  What should I do?

A:  When expectations are not met, disappointment follows.  Clearly the expectations you had for your married lifestyle are not working out according to plan, and it is natural for you to feel disappointed and/or angry.  It certainly sounds as though you and your wife need to talk openly about each of your original hopes for your life together and see what has changed along the way.  Many times, work becomes an escape and a way to avoid or deny problems.  It would seem important to explore what she is getting from working so much.  Fortunately, you are addressing your disappointment and concern early, rather than sweeping it under the rug.  The following are points you and your wife may want to discuss as you work together to clarify what each of you wants from the other at this time.

·        What were the expectations you each originally held regarding time spent together and time spent apart after marriage?

·        If that has changed, when did it change?

·        How does each of you feel about the quality of the time you now spend together?

·        What picture do you each have in mind of how you would like to see your life in one year?

·        How similar or different are you mental pictures?  Are there common goals?  If so, what is each of you going to contribute toward positive change?