Q: My wife, rightfully, gets frustrated when I cannot share my feelings with her. Frankly, if I knew my feelings I would be glad to share them. This probably sounds ridiculous, but is there any way for me to know my feelings so I can talk about them? My wife does this so easily, but it is as if someone is asking me to speak Greek. Any suggestions?

A: Many people lack the vocabulary to distinguish and describe the subtle shades of emotions; you are not alone in this struggle. Men particularly, were often not encouraged as children to pay attention to feelings but rather were encouraged to “keep a stiff upper lip” or “don’t be a sissy” or “be a brave little soldier.” I have two suggestions for gaining an emotional vocabulary and for identifying your feelings.

First, sit down with a pencil and paper and list as many feelings and words as you can. After you have completed your list, ask your wife to do the same. Combine the lists so you have a reference sheet. This can often be useful to look at from time to time and see what “feeling word” best fits for you at a particular time.

Second, read the following feeling vignettes and fill in the “feeling word” that feels right for you. There is no right or wrong answer. Refer to your list of “feeling words” if it is helpful.

· You wake up in the night and hear a strange noise and feel…

· You discover your child has just shoplifted, you feel…

· You are talking with an employee, knowing you have to fire him and you feel…

· You get a letter from your father and feel…

· You watch your child in a talent show and feel…

· The car in front of you is going 35 in a 55 mile zone and there is no place to pass. You feel…

· Someone you love touches you and you feel…

Q: My husband is much more interested in sex than I am. If I go along with him, I feel angry, but if I say no, I feel guilty. What is the way out of this no-win situation?

A: One of the first things I encourage couples to do when they have gotten stuck in a pattern of sexual activity that isn’t mutually pleasurable is, first, to stop. Next, the goal is to rebuild and reintroduce only physical contact that is mutually pleasurable – then stop. Physical intimacy includes hand holding, hugs, and a whole range of other expressions of affection.

What you have described is a conditional response based on repeated negative sexual experiences. The goal is to replace the old negative anticipation with positive experiences.

Generally, when couples are experiencing problems with physical intimacy, they are also having difficulties in establishing emotional intimacy and open communication. If this is the case for you, you and your husband may benefit from couples counseling to address your problem in a more complete manner rather than simply focusing on the sexual issue.

Q: My husband and I have made a lot of progress in terms of our relationship. We used to get into physical fights, as well as verbal attacks. Through counseling, we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other. We both have a long history of being abused, and we both come from alcoholic families. Now that things are going better, why am I not happy?

A: It is a major step to have gotten into counseling; obviously you have made considerable progress. Couples often have hopes and expectations that if they resolve the “identify problem” in their lives such as physical abuse, or alcoholism, or parenting issues then they will be happy.

The reality, most of the time, is that a major and obvious relationship problem takes a lot of time and is the focus of considerable energy (often at the expense of other aspects of the relationship and life).

Perhaps you are finally at a time in your life when you have an opportunity to re-evaluate yourself, your marriage, and life in general. It is difficult to look at the big picture when your life is in crisis on a daily basis.

Talk to your counselor and explore other areas in your life that you may want to change or modify. A similar situation occurs when couples tell each other “we’ll really live and be happy when the children are grown,” and then are disappointed and confused when the children move out and they aren’t any happier.

You and your husband may need to get to know each other again as you rebuild your relationship. Of equal importance is your individual growth and development as independent people aside from your relationship.

How do you feel about the rest of your life? You may have inherited a lot of extra time now that you’re not spending most of your time fighting or being scared. How are you using that time? Does your life feel balanced among family work and play? So you have time alone that you enjoy? Do you have friends that you feel close to? Do you want to spend the next 20 years of your life the way it is now? If not, what would you want to add, delete, or change to feel more satisfied?

You also mentioned that you and your husband grew up with parents who were alcoholics. Think back to your childhood. Did it seem that everyday was a crisis or that one crisis cropped up as soon as another passed? It is common for adults who grew up in alcoholic households to be used to a crisis lifestyle.

On one hand they long for a calm, peaceful life but it is so unfamiliar that they can initially perceive the calm as boring. You may want to explore this issue with your counselor as well. Perhaps you need more challenge and stimulation now that the fighting is better under control.

If you don’t find excitement and challenge in healthy ways there may be a tendency to go back to the old familiar patterns of fighting. Fighting will shake things up quickly; however, I suggest you find healthier, more satisfying ways to add excitement and challenge to your life if this is the case. The first step is to know what you’re feeling, understand and examine where you are in your life now, and then you will be prepared to make some choices for the future.